No Family of Mine: Part Three

Part three of a story about a woman who has to decide if she's ready to take the next steps with her boyfriend after his family trip.

I scroll through my text thread with Chase, filled with call-me-backs and crying emojis. I can’t tell if these texts were his idea or his 17-year-old brother’s. I’m staring at his contact information, unable to feel. All Chase will do is apologize and try to see me. That is if he and his cousins aren’t doing pigtails on each other.

Have we always been disconnected?

The high I felt from my green juice/new friend/writing session is quickly starting to fade—but I don’t want it to. I had an intellectual conversation with a person who lives in my world, a person I don’t have to explain my poems to, a person who has deepened my love for poetry before I even knew he existed. I had a great writing session, like the ones I used to have when I was discovering poetry was my passion. I felt in touch with nature without even touching nature. I had blueberries!

For the first time in three years, I forgot Chase existed, I touched the flow state and met someone who reminded me of me. And not the current me, the me who was full of drive, passion, ideas, and creativity. For the first time in a long time, I miss that version of me. Maybe my subconscious mind won’t let me move forward with Chase because that version of me doesn’t exist with him.

Am I settling? Is Chase settling? Are we in love or are we feeling the love others have when they see us together? Do I feel unheard by him because I haven’t been listening to myself? Have I sacrificed my stable nervous system for his pretty face? Has he been trying to tell me he hates me by continuously buying me the wrong snacks? All of these thoughts are making my head spin.

Knock knock.

“Ahhhhh!” I yell partly to relieve the built-up energy I’ve been harvesting, and the other part because I’m genuinely startled.

“Room service!” I hear coming from the front door.

After the food is dropped off, I eat in utter silence. Not even TikTok could distract me from everything I’m feeling. And then, I remember that Francesca texted me. She’s pretty good at bringing me down to earth when I’m in my head. I grab my phone and check my latest text from her:

Hiii. I told everyone you’re safe and you’re probably napping. Do I actually think you’re napping? Of course not. You’re my sister—and as much as you like to downplay it, I know you love the drama, bitch. Chat later, xo🤭

Maybe she’s right. Maybe I do love the drama. As I eat my food, I wonder if everything that’s happening to me is self-inflicted. Am I the reason I’m on my boyfriend’s family trip alone? Why have I ignored so many signs? How could I be so forgiving when he ordered me that steak for my birthday even though he’d never known me to be a meat eater?

Oh, my god.

It has to be me.

---

Thirty minutes later, I’m standing on my room’s balcony staring at the silhouette of the mountains next to the crescent moon. My phone is in my hand with Chase’s contact on the screen. I’m scared to call him. I feel like I’ve awakened after a multiple-year slumber, and our surface-level conversations won’t cut it anymore. Somehow, I think Chase feels that too.

I press the call button. Before the first “Ring” is done, Chase answers.

“Priscilla”, he says immediately.

My heart drops, and so does the teleprompter in my head that usually gives me words.

“Are you there?” he says.