I'm still thinking about you, unfortunately.
I hope I run into you just to tell you I don't fuck with you.
I was doing well.
I was doing me.
After we ended things, you were on my mind for a week or so, but then, suddenly, you weren’t even a particle in my universe.
Based on what you shared with me, it seems like you allowed your last relationship to turn you into a piece of shit. You played the victim card hard. At first, I thought it was a sign of vulnerability, but I quickly realized you expected me to do the same. We only spent like six weeks together… We have to spend at least ten weeks before you graduate from the romantic kiki phase.
You said you’d call back, but a week passed and you never did.
Maybe your last lady responded to your silence with concern.
Perhaps, you didn’t hear me well enough when I told you to stop assuming I would react to things in ways that I never have.
After ten-ish days of no contact, I got the feeling you’d reach out soon with some lame excuse about being busy. As much as I’d want to ghost you back for good, I know I wouldn’t. I’d like to believe that I’d have a super witty response that would let you know it was unacceptable to do that to me, and that I’d prefer if you return to your ghostly ways—silent, invisible, and absent.
However, I’ve done that before.
I tried to do everything differently with you, so I took an alternative route.
I blocked you.
There went my chances of ever knowing if you’d apologize, give me an explanation, or say hi.
There went my chances of knowing if you’d call back after your nervous system calmed, or tell me you’d made a mistake.
There was less than a 1% chance I’d let you back in, but I just wanted to know that you cared.
When you were in my life, I wished I had more grace with you. But looking back, your lack of emotional availability and sufficiency in emotional intelligence and self-awareness caused me to distrust you.
The day before we never spoke again, I debated making a pros and cons list about you, but in that same moment, I realized there was no saving us. I’ve made one of those for every man I had real feelings for before you, and just like you, I’ve never spoken to them again.
That’s why I called you: to let you know that I enjoyed our time, but we’re heading in different directions.
I think you knew why I was calling, and it’s the reason you never called back.
Or maybe that’s what I tell myself to rid some of the sting.
Perhaps your inability to contact me ever again releases some of the sting, too.
Hearing from you one last time, even if it were weeks later, would’ve stroked my ego. And a pros and cons list would’ve made me feel like I’d done my best, but those things would’ve set me back in the motion of old habits.
Now, after time has passed, I feel your warm presence and see your smiling face randomly when I close my eyes.
I know that if you saw me in the wild, you’d try to greet me with a hug and kind words, and that pisses me off.
I’ve never had a proper crashout—not that I’d even waste my first one on you, but sometimes, I wish I had it in me to be a little more feral.
I think every man I’ve dated, minus the one who ghosted me for sending him my affiliate link to a bidet because he needed it, would treat me like that if they ran into me, and that pisses me off.
You hurt my feelings.
And so did they.
Yet, my final act has always been to release my grasp the moment you all did, without any real goodbye.
They always came back, and that’s why I know you would’ve too… if you weren’t blocked and had never known my social media handles.
As intentional and mature as I was with you, you ended up being just as basic as everyone else—and that’s forced me to change my perspective about you.
I liked you because I’m more seasoned in dealing with my emotions, I can communicate and advocate for myself effectively, and I genuinely like myself.
I see now that my interactions with you reflected how beautifully I see myself.
Your inability to communicate and resolve conflict will afford you the exact treatment you deserve. My energy can no longer be wasted on imagining I run into you and ignoring you the way you ignored me, so you can (hopefully) feel what you made me feel. I was given signs to leave you alone before I finally did, and I can accept responsibility for that.
So, thank you for the lessons and for being a mirror to reflect how sophisticated and formidable I am.
I don’t know what I’d do if I ran into you or somehow heard from you again. Frankly, that’s none of my business. But I can rest easily knowing I’m free of someone who wouldn’t benefit my life.
So, this will be my first formal goodbye to an old flame.
Best of luck to you.
Because I’m done thinking about you.
