I Annoy Me

A short story about a woman learning to have compassion for the parts of herself she doesn't love.

I always wondered why I don’t thrive in my comfort zone but struggle with resilience outside of it.

I know life isn’t super easy, but it can be easier than this, right?

These days, my biggest struggle is finding the balance between working hard towards a goal and putting less pressure on the outcome.

Spoiler: I haven’t found it yet.

Double spoiler: It’s affecting multiple parts of my life.

And realizing this over and over again is really starting to annoy me.

Has my passionate spirit always divvied my energy into the wrong efforts? Was I the only one who could see this? Do other people feel this way?

This is the third epiphany I’ve had this week about something I’ve probably been doing for years, subconsciously.

The second epiphany was realizing my hunger for success was blocking me from having deeply emotional connections.

I only found that out this week, so there’s a high chance it still is to some degree.

This epiphany happened because the first one made me realize I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable with those closest to me, and that may be because I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable with me. Realizing that annoyeddd me. But the most annoying part was having to ask myself why. Is that one of life’s sole purposes to question everything? I’m exhausted.

It’s like the push-pull method or the anxious-avoidant loop with my own self. Whichever part of the cycle I’ve been stuck in is ass. I’d like to go back to highlighting all of my favorite parts about me. Like how ambitious and disciplined I am.

It’s possible the ambition and discipline got me stuck in this loop to begin with. There’s a toxic positivity about me when I’m deeply in pursuit of a thing. Something about this energy feels desperation coded or like a salesperson who can’t turn off pitch mode.

It’s like I stepped in front of a mirror that showed me how stuck in my ways I can be regarding how I’m going to get to a destination rather than making it there.

It’s like this mirror showed me I don’t exactly show up the way I think I do.

It’s like studying for a test and knowing the flashcards by heart, but the tiniest shift in verbiage on the exam leaves me feeling clueless and, embarrassed and, of course, annoyed.

A part of my vulnerability issue is struggling to know who to talk to about this. And then knowing what to do after I successfully talk about this. The more I think about this, the more I realize I could just look inward, but then boom, I’ve seized an opportunity to find closeness with someone else. And then boom again, I can’t stop thinking about the path to feeling what I want to feel rather than taking the steps to get to that place, and then boom again, I’m annoyed.

But to break the cycle is to accept that the mirror is so life-changingly bright that I can’t stay the same. It would be shameful to see this sight and not implement change. It would be wrong to deprive myself the opportunity of growth because the discomfort is one I haven’t experienced before.

The progress was stunted because all I could focus on was the how.

I’m putting my energy towards the end goal now.

I’m allowing my insides to feel the way my ‘end goals’ insides would feel. It’s about to be a new year. I’m not leaving this one the way that I came. That would be a disgrace.

And outright annoying.