Gluttony

Overconsumption kills.

Gluttony — the overindulgence or overconsumption of food or drink.

However, as time progresses, it seems gluttony affects humans in more ways than just food and drinks.

It looks like everyday drug use, taking more opportunities than one can manage, especially when one is just hoarding or making money off of others’ labor.

But this is only a surface-level meaning.

It was a Thursday morning in August, and Lana was on her usual morning run. About halfway through the run, she found $10 on the ground.

Hell yes, she felt blessed.

She was planning to buy a few groceries once the run was complete.

But it was more than that.

It felt like winning, being chosen, and the side effect of being lucky all wrapped into one tiny piece of paper.

For the rest of her run, she scanned the ground hoping to find more blessings the world wanted to appoint to her. Without even knowing it, she was no longer focused on clearing her mind with physical activity or beating her last pace. She was continuously trying to replicate a feeling that had passed.

As she began her cool-down walk along the pier, she started to realize it wasn’t about the $10 at all. She realized she was [literally] chasing a feeling and it was turning her into a little fiend.

As she sat down on a bench that overlooked the water, she analyzed her behavior, how this feeling overtook her so quickly, and if she’d ever felt that feeling before.

Spoiler alert—she had.

Frequently, actually.

She thought about two days ago when she posted a photo dump on Instagram. Throughout the day, her thumb kept migrating to open the app without her brain’s knowledge.

In fact, she realized that happens every time she posts anything.

She realized she checks her email profusely when waiting for a brand to email her back about partnering together.

And when she’s waiting for the person she’s making plans with to confirm.

She also turns to activities to avoid dealing with her feelings. Like taking random, spontaneous trips when she gets news that a loved one isn’t doing well. Or taking her third trip in a week to the movies to avoid doing the tasks she hates. Or going to the grocery store every day because her cravings don’t align with the groceries she bought.

She realized she’d been replicating this feeling in different scenarios for years.

When she’s physically running is she always mentally running?

When she’s mentally and emotionally running does that fuel her urge to run physically?

She zooms out of her head to find she’s been staring at the Hudson River, flowing with ease. The sound of the river flowing is so meditative, there aren’t many people on the pier, there’s a nice breeze, and the sky is slightly overcast.

At 74 degrees Fahrenheit, she’s in the midst of a perfect day and hasn’t enjoyed one minute since finding this piece of paper that will be gone from her possession in less than an hour in exchange for a few goods she may not even want tomorrow.

What if $100 just blew past her right now?

Would it make the difference she thinks it would? Would it validate her for ten times the amount of time as the last bill? Would it train her brain that every run she goes on would be a payday?

Her obsession with stimulation became clear. Her brain, like many others, craves constant validation because it is so accessible.

But if she were to look even deeper she’d realize that she’s lucky without these tangible things.

She’s lucky to be able to move her body the way she does whenever she wants. She’s lucky to be doing the things that prompt her to take Instagram photos. She’s lucky to have access to her favorite grocery stores that sell her favorite foods every day of the week.

As she watches a ferry boat by in the distance, she realizes how lucky she is just to be here, on her favorite pier, on a beautiful day, with a $10 bill that came with a new level of knowledge.

The gluttonous feelings that transcended into her everyday life caused her to chase a feeling that would do nothing but continue to run away.

So, she stopped chasing.

And just like butterflies in a field, when she finally got still the feelings that she spent so much of her unconscious life chasing fled to her—and stayed.