A pick me will never pick you, friend

Some friendship breakups can be avoided b/c that's not even a real friend...

May 18, 2025

Self-awareness has become a major topic of discussion over the past few years. The masses are becoming privy to things like narcissistic behavior, Karens, and pick me’s. Dealing with any of these types of people is grounds for a negative experience; however, to me, pick me’s feel the most poisonous.

I’m not protected from encountering people with narcissistic tendencies or Karens, but these types of people can’t survive in my world for very long. It’s the pick me’s who’ve been able to fly under the radar the longest before their true identities are revealed.

By definition, a pick me (PM) is a person who feeds into narratives that are oppressive towards them to gain validation, attention, or approval from their oppressor.

This could look like:

A person constantly searching for validation or fishing for compliments from others because they’re unsure how to create those feelings within themselves.
Stepping into a new position in a career, friendship, or romantic relationship, and feeding into the boss/coworker, friend, or partner bashing the previous person.
Sharing other people’s stories that were shared in confidence with someone else to gain their loyalty, respect, or to show that similar values are shared with the person receiving the information.
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Often, the signs are subtle until that person feels comfortable enough to reveal themselves.

In my experience, PMs are neutral, go-with-the-flow-esque people, until it’s time for them to let me know that they’re the spokesperson for something I believe in.

Like the “nice guys” who love to scream from the mountain tops that “they fully support women’s rights” and that “all men suck.” They become so vocal that the people they’re aiming the remarks towards start to believe they’re the exception. Newsflash, they most likely are not.

It’s clear that PMs struggle with insecurity and attachment issues, which is likely why they’re trying to manufacture perfect connections.

It’s possible they were neglected in their childhood, and the only way they got attention was by stroking the ego of their parental figure(s). Now, they do this with their partners, bosses, friends, etc.

Or maybe they were a late bloomer and lack the confidence to be in a healthy relationship.

Whatever the case, if this person is unaware of their behavior and unwilling to change it, they will always be inauthentic.

Why is long-term pick me exposure detrimental to your health?

It’s inevitable to come into contact with a pick me—these people are… everywhere. They’re in the family, coworkers, and peers.

Most level-headed people will be aware that something is off with this type of person, but they’ll likely stay around them, at least for a while.

But they hardly ever come out of long-term friendships or relationships unscathed. The side effects include:

Energy transfers. PMs tweak their behavior to become more digestible, agreeable, or likable, and a shell of a person. Well, birds of a feather flock together, and eventually, the person they’re deeply connected with will develop these traits too.
Questioning oneself. PMs come off as if they don’t know their behavior is hurtful. Sometimes, I genuinely think they have no idea, which is why I have felt shame or insecurity after having negative feelings towards them when they were clearly in the wrong.
Endless drama. A person battling low self-esteem, insecurity, and a lack of confidence, while not taking time to understand or isolate themselves, is going to bring those closest to them down with them. Everyone is a mirror, and the more they repel being alone, the more they’re faced with mirrors—dirty ones.
Lack of trust. Gen-Z is the loneliest generation… probably in history. They aren’t as connected with their family, have fewer friends, many work from home, and things like social media and dating apps make it seem like people are abundant, when in reality, most of these relationships will not advance past a parasocial stage. We’re (Gen-Z) quick to avoid conflict and repel our feelings when things get too heavy. And living in an epidemic of PMs (weirdos) doesn’t help.